103 - competence + congruence + connection = confidence

Confidence. YA + A's think it's that magical white unicorn people talk about but doesn't exist... they see it as an "I'm either born with it or I'm not" trait when that's simply not the case!

It's one of the most common, and the biggest, of the commonalities we find in YA + A's and their mental blocks and obstacles. The truth is this though: anyone and everyone can increase their confidence levels in themselves, and walk into any situation with the confidence of a champion...

Here's how we do just that

In order to have confidence, we used to think what one simply needed was competence: that is, enough belief in themselves at a given task that it becomes automatic and they're not thinking about anything. But, over time and with the help of some world-class people who are YEARS ahead of ourselves, we've found we've been missing parts of the puzzle

See, for confidence, you need congruence and connection to add to the competence. Let's take a deep dive into all three and how you can develop them to increase your confidence in yourself and your skills


Competence = "the amount of knowledge, skill, ability, or talent we have at a specific task", and the more that this increases, the more our confidence increases as well. It's a very rewarding loop, as the more we try something (i.e. competence), the more confidence we generate at that skill when we see ourselves developing

More competence begets more confidence, which in turn begets more competence, and round and round this cycle goes...

But herein lies the problem, what if we don't have competence at a certain skill, say driving... we have no experience or knowledge of what to do, and in turn, we have no confidence. This is where a growth mindset comes into play, and understanding the reality that we don't know what we don't know until we try, and that our belief lies in knowing that we can learn anything we desire in the future with enough energy, focus, and time

It's having the growth mindset of knowing that our skills and competence will develop and increase with the more time we put into them, and that it's in our belief in ourselves to be a student and our ability to learn that matters most... 


"Self-trust is the first secret of success"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Congruence comes from aligning our actions with what we both need and desire to do. To feel more congruent, we have to be mindful and conscious about the thoughts we're having and actions we're taking, and ensuring they're aligning us with learning the skills we need to develop and choosing to do the actual work to develop them, even though it may be difficult

This comes from defining what it is we need to work on, and who it is that we desire to be in the future. For example, I need to work on my flexibility to become a better athlete and have more longevity doing what I love, and from a business perspective, I need to better understand sales and get out of my own way/rid myself of my own limiting beliefs around this. In order to show congruence, I need to work on both daily, by working on my mobility for at least 10 minutes/day, and researching and learning more about sales - in doing that, I will be congruent with my goals and be building competence in those tasks too...


The more we begin to learn, discover and know; the more we realise we know nothing at all - and to help with this, we can connect and surround ourselves with others. As it's by connecting with others that we learn more about ourselves and about the world

It's not just connection and talking with others though, it's going in with the sole intention to discover more about them, what makes them tick, what they know, and how we might be able to help and be of service to them. What matters most is do you want to learn from others... to take that time and genuinely try to engage with them to learn about how they see the world

When we become better with others we become better with ourselves too...

Putting it all Together

Have clarity about what we're trying to get more confident at... what's the specific task or skill we're wanting to learn... is it about our sport, a job, a topic... what are we curious about and what do we want to develop?

Then, how can we build competence in this... how can we do and believe things that are congruent with getting us there... and who are the people I can surround myself with, connect with, and learn from that will add to my confidence?

That boys and girls is the secret recipe

Actionable Tips + Questions:

  1. What am I trying to get more confident at... what's the specific task or skill I'm wanting to learn... is it about my sport, a job, a topic... what am I curious about and what do I want to develop?

  2. Then, how can we build competence in this? What tasks can I do daily to learn more about it?

  3. How/what can I do to help me believe that the things I'm doing are congruent with getting me there?

  4. Who are 1-3 people I can surround myself with, connect with, and learn from that will add to my confidence? How can I reach out to them and what will I say?

Nick Maier